A man bought at an auction for
what he thought a reasonable price for both a Stradivarius and
a Rembrandt. He was very happy with them, since the price he
paid was so low, for objects made by very famous people. He decided
to go to an appraiser and have them officially valued. The appraiser
said: "Well sir, indeed it's a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt,
but it's only a pity that Stradivarius couldn't paint and Rembrandt
couldn't build violins."
Everyone knows auctions speak
louder than words - that's because of the auction-ears.
And it's still the one place
where you can get something for nodding.
Though, of course, you do have
to stay to the bidder end.
The horse auction
A father and son are at a horse
auction one summer's day. The son watches intently as his father
examines the teeth of a horse to be auctioned, pats its head
and looks into its eyes. "What are you doin' dad?"
the boy asks. "Just looking her over before making a bid
to buy her," says the dad. "Hey, dad," the boy
says, "I think the mailman wants to buy mom."
After a wealthy, veteran collector
of fine antiques died leaving a multi-million dollar estate,
his relatives gathered for the reading of his will.
"To my loving wife, Audrey,
who stood by me in good times and in bad, I leave the house,
antique paintings, furniture and $5 million," read the lawyer.
"To my loving daughter,
Ruth, who cared for me in sickness and kept the business going,
I leave the yacht, the silver collection and $2 million."
And, in conclusion: "To
my son, James, a good-for-nothing leech who thought I would never
mention him in my will: Hello James."
That's no hubby
The box lot being auctioned
contained a collection of girly magazines. When the bidding ended
at $47.50, a man in the crowd raised his bid card, which read
112. Later in the sale, a woman shows her bid number after buying
an item and it was 112. "Is that man your husband?"
asked the auctioneer, wanting to verify her number. "He
was, before he bought those girly magazines," she snapped.
Bidding at a local auction is
interrupted when the auctioneer's clerk hands him a note. "A
gentleman has lost a wallet containing $5,000 in cash,"
says the auctioneer. "If it is returned, he will pay a reward
of $1,000." There is a moment's silence, then someone in
the crowd shouts: "One thousand five hundred!"
Auctioneer: A person who looks
Morbid: When someone's
bid is higher than yours.
What knowledge do you need to
be an auctioneer?