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A collection of jokes, riddles and puns
Mostly borrowed, rarely blue

 
 
Admit it, you are addicted to eBay.
 
Just ask your kids, eRay and eFaye.
 
 
A man bought at an auction for what he thought a reasonable price for both a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. He was very happy with them, since the price he paid was so low, for objects made by very famous people. He decided to go to an appraiser and have them officially valued. The appraiser said: "Well sir, indeed it's a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt, but it's only a pity that Stradivarius couldn't paint and Rembrandt couldn't build violins."
 
 
Everyone knows auctions speak louder than words - that's because of the auction-ears.
 
And it's still the one place where you can get something for nodding.
 
Though, of course, you do have to stay to the bidder end.
 
 
The horse auction
A father and son are at a horse auction one summer's day. The son watches intently as his father examines the teeth of a horse to be auctioned, pats its head and looks into its eyes. "What are you doin' dad?" the boy asks. "Just looking her over before making a bid to buy her," says the dad. "Hey, dad," the boy says, "I think the mailman wants to buy mom."
 
 
Antiques
After a wealthy, veteran collector of fine antiques died leaving a multi-million dollar estate, his relatives gathered for the reading of his will.
 
"To my loving wife, Audrey, who stood by me in good times and in bad, I leave the house, antique paintings, furniture and $5 million," read the lawyer.
 
"To my loving daughter, Ruth, who cared for me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the silver collection and $2 million."
 
And, in conclusion: "To my son, James, a good-for-nothing leech who thought I would never mention him in my will: Hello James."
 
 
That's no hubby
The box lot being auctioned contained a collection of girly magazines. When the bidding ended at $47.50, a man in the crowd raised his bid card, which read 112. Later in the sale, a woman shows her bid number after buying an item and it was 112. "Is that man your husband?" asked the auctioneer, wanting to verify her number. "He was, before he bought those girly magazines," she snapped.
 
 
The Wallet
Bidding at a local auction is interrupted when the auctioneer's clerk hands him a note. "A gentleman has lost a wallet containing $5,000 in cash," says the auctioneer. "If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $1,000." There is a moment's silence, then someone in the crowd shouts: "One thousand five hundred!"
 
 
Definitions:
Auctioneer: A person who looks forbidding
 
Morbid: When someone's bid is higher than yours.
 
 
Quiz
What knowledge do you need to be an auctioneer?
Lots.
 
Where were the pigs auctioned?
In the porking lot.
 
Heard a good one? Send us an e-mail
 
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